Match Closed

Yes. Again, I have attracted a married man.

I'm not sure that I understand how the penis overrides the brain, but it does. There needs to be more medical research done on this subject, I will give them his phone number as he would make a perfect patient for a "Penis Brain Syndrome" clinical trial.

About a year ago, I joined a dating site called OkCupid. It's kind of like a dating MySpace site, you take test and quizzes and they match you based off of the results. But you can also browse for matches based on location and stats.

This is how "Brstlvr" (YES, I know. I know... I know.) found me. He's 42, lives about 15 minutes from me and said he was divorced. We've been chatting by email for the last 3 months or so. A few weeks ago, I gave him my phone number. We have had numerous chats. I even asked him "You aren't married...right?" He emphatically insisted that he wasn't.

So.

Yesterday I received a call from him. I wasn't in the mood to talk so I sent him to voice mail. A few hours later, after things had calmed down and the kids were sleeping, I called him back. A woman answered. The conversation was short.

Her: Hello?

Me: ... hello...?

Her: Hello?

Me: *checking phone to make sure I called the right number*

::pause::

Me: *jaw dropping* hang up phone

A few seconds later his phone calls me back. No way in HELL I'm answering it! I wait. *ping* Voice mail.

With shaking hands, I listen.

"Hi Sheri, this is Sue... Wayne's wife. I'm not sure why you are calling his phone, but I want you to know that he's married."

I couldn't forward the message to Cousin J and girly friend JG fast enough!

I then sent the following text message to his phone:

'Married huh? Groan... Perhaps you should stay off dating sites, Wayne. Do not ever email me or call me again. In OkCupid lingo, you are dead to me - match closed.'

I wake up this morning to a missed call and a voice mail from Sue. She gave me her phone number and asked that I call her, she has a few questions for me.

My womanly duty never ends. *sigh* I am going to call her back today and then forward her a few of the emails he and I exchanged.

Thank GOODNESS I never met him in person. In fact, we were supposed to meet for coffee this week so I'm glad this happened before hand.

*slurping coffee*

I don't even know what else to say. For all the Hugh's, Jesse's and Wayne's out there... ihatechew.

Everything happens for a reason!

Yesterday was an odd day. I got laid off for the first time ever. Egh. It really wasn't shocking but it shocked me nonetheless. Make sense? We are in a recession and unfortunately, the company I work for relies on the sale of their homes to be the bread and butter. No sales, time for layoffs. I wasn't the first to go and I'm sad thinking I am probably not the last either.


After hugging my supervisor, I sat in my car and cried for a few moments. I cried for her, isn't that odd? I know how difficult it was for her to have to tell me and I let her know that I understood the circumstances.


Then I picked up my kiddos, came home, made them an awesome dinner, played X-Box with them, bath time, bed time... and then spent several hours reading "How To Stop Worrying & Start Living" by Dale Carnegie. (-- Perfect timing on the majority of the true stories in there, btw...)


And here I am. Third cup of coffee. Polishing up my resume to post on monster.


My current employer has been kind enough to keep me on for an additional 2 weeks so that I can find another job. What kind of job am I going to get? I have no clue. I've been in the industry for almost 10 years and the thought of venturing outside of it is scary as hell. Problem is, the economy is so crappy right now that I don't believe that I have a choice but to do so.*eek*


Everything happens for a reason. My current job pretttttttty much sucks fuzzy donkey parts. I love the company, hate my job. So they are actually doing me a favor I suppose. There isn't anywhere else within the company for me to move so leaving it is.


Am I worried? Of course... I've got 3 angels to support. But I know that I will find something. I'm not above wiping down tables and emptying trash cans to take care of my kids.


My coffee's cold, gotta go.

Dirty little secret.

Memo to men: WE DON'T GET YOU EITHER

I'm not sure what kind of woman-law I'm breaking by divulging that tidbit of information, but there you have it. I'm willing to suffer the consequences, someone had to tell you! And what better women then moi?

I know that women are supposed to have super-natural powers. After all, we have eyes on the back of our head and can foresee the future.

But, dagnabbit... We can't figure you out! There are lots of things that we can't seem to wrap our brains around, but here are a few important ones that you must know.

What The X Chromosome Doesn't Understand About The Y Chromosome

*Why you freak out when we cry. Unless you called us fat, it's probably not your fault. In other words, you are the good guy - embrace the moment!! And if you'd like to stay the good guy, hug us and pretend that we look adorable with raccoon eyes.

*The lack of communication. Women need to feel connected to their mate and communication is the key. (Write that down for future reference.

Communication = Key to our parts... eh.. hearts.) If you ignore us for a few days and then want to "coddle", it's not happening. We don't make out with strangers, get it?

*Sports. Period. Basketball, blah. Baseball, blah. Racing, blah. Hockey, blah. Bloody UFC fights, double blah. Listen, to make it fair - for every sporting event you subject us to, you have to watch a chick flick with us. Fair? Fair.

*How you can call the house 'clean' when it hasn't been swept, vacuumed, mopped or dusted. Placing the newspaper into a tidy pile does not constitute clean. (Write that one down too, it will come in handy the next time your mother in law visits!)

You're welcome.

Now tell her you're sorry for what ever you did or didn't do.

C.B.D.

Yesterday was a “cry baby day” for me.

I don’t have CBD’s very often, my skin has grown thick over the years and I’ve learned to let things just roll off my dainty shoulders.

Not yesterday though. *blink blink*

The worst part about it all was the water works turned on at work at about 8:45 a.m. and didn’t shut completely off until about 10:15 p.m.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to hide this kind of episode from your co-workers?

Me: *sniff*

JG: Wassa’ matter Sunshine?

Me: I think I’m gettin’ a cold.

JG: Oh, okay.

Me: *sniff*

JG: That sucks that you are getting sick.

Me: *sniff* Yep. ::dabbing eyes with rough toilet paper::

JG: …are you … crying? *blink blink*

Me: ::water works on full blast::

JG: What is it? *concerned look*

Me: WAHHHHH!!!!

Yea… so that’s pretty much how my entire day went. One cry baby episode after another. (O_o)

I must say though, I slept like a (cry)baby!

Life Is Too Short To:

Fight with family

Not give love another chance

Hate your job

Regret your past

Not blog about horrible first dates

Withhold compliments

Waste sunshine

Dream & not do

Let your toes go unpolished

Worry about what you can't control

Expend extra energy on foes

Forget your neighbor's name

Not forgive & forget

Me

Dear Lying Boys

Dear Lying Boys,

I've reached a milestone in my dating "career" and I've decided that there's no better time then now to lay down some rules.

* Under no circumstance is it okay to lie about your marital status. Engaged = married in my book. And I have NO problem spilling the beans to your wife/fiancee/girl friend.

* If you are missing any noticeable appendages, please forewarn me. It's the polite thing to do.

* NEVER brag about how much money you make on a first date. Otherwise, I will be forced to order the most expensive items on the menu.

* Lying about your height is a no-no. If I can look you in the eyes while in flip flops, you are not 5'6". You are a semi-midget who wears garanimals from Wal-Mart.

* However thick headed you may be, please take notice of my body language. The "Deflect A Jerk" stance is as follows: Arms folded squarely across my chest, head tilted at an unflattering angle & a scowl smeared across my forehead. Trying to kiss me will only get you hurt.

* CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Seriously, I can't believe I have to even say that but... there it is. There's nothing more disgusting then seeing your half chewed pastrami sandwich from across the table.

* Speaking poorly of your ex's will only add you to my "Jerks to blog about" list. I don't do it, you shouldn't either.

* Answering your cell phone during dinner is rude. If you do this to me, I will be texting the following to my Cousin J & my girly friend J.G. from the rest room : I think I hate him a little bit. Help..!

* Sex is not appropriate dinner conversation. ESPECIALLY on a first date. ..rude rude rude..

* Know that I do an intrusive background investigation on each one of you. If you've been in trouble, I'm going to find it. ;) Not only am I nosy as to your behavior in the past, but I'm curious about what you may be on probation for currently.

* When there are painful lags in the conversation, please do not leave it to me to fill the gaps. Unless you want to hear about how much I love my garden, think of something to say quickly.

* DO NOT SCORE ME while on the phone (augh) during dinner with your friend. Hearing "Oh, I'd give her a 7 1/2 on looks and... uh... ::insert eye googling my boobs face here::... a 9 on personality, making her an 8 3/4" is not okay!

* Getting wasted on a first date is unacceptable behavior. Going to the bathroom to powder my nose is potentially going to end in me burning rubber on my way out of the parking lot while you nurse your 7th beer waiting for my return.

And for the love of everything holy, do NOT ask me how many dates we have to go on before you get to see me naked. >.<

Dear Bacardi:

Dear Bacardi:

The time we spent together was wonderful. I have many fond (fuzzy) memories with you, but I have decided that we just aren't compatible anymore... I must end our long-term relationship.

As Summer nears, I have thought of you often. What fun we had! Yet I've come to the conclusion that you are a sneaky bastard, often stealing my memories, inhibitions and ballerina-like coordination... rendering me a babbling idiot who flirts with any Y chromosome and can't figure out how to even tie her own shoes. For shame!

Should you have any doubts about the mischief I have tolerated from you, please see below.

Exhibit A

The Sheri Ping Pong Machine: While the inebriated voice mail I left Cousin J. was the highlight of the next family gathering, I could have gotten seriously hurt, bouncing off the walls like a damn ping pong ball. And cooking zucchini that late at night was your stupid idea, not mine.

Cave woman Sheri: I was officially stripped of my dignity & class as I pummeled through a plate of pasta with my bare hands because I was unable to properly use an eating utensil like a grown woman. This happened in front of several people and in the back of my mind I can hear you snickering at me still.

Baker Sheri: There are certain things Bacardi, that you should have never been a part of. Candy making, for example. Why you thought it was okay to assist me in helping Cousin J. make peanut brittle is beyond me. And then you left me to help pick the hardened candy out of her pretty kitchen rug and off the walls. Although, you did help numb the sensation of being burned by 315 degree candy lava, so I suppose we are even.

Clumsy Sheri: One of your favorite means of mischief often left me asking for band-aids and peroxide from any kind soul. Really, pushing me down the stairs was uncalled for. And even worse yet, pushing me up the stairs! Clever though, I must admit. My knees will never be the same.

Phone Breaking Sheri: I (with your assistance) managed to plow through cell-phones as if they were free! In a matter of 6 months I had 3 cellphones. Very funny. *scowl* Shall we talk about the time you hid it in my closet and then threw up on my shoes?

Social-Butterfly Sheri: I was pretty shy before. While your intentions were good hearted, bringing me out of my shell often left me spewing apologies the next morning to complete strangers! And no one wants to have to piece their night back together by checking the text messages on their cell phone... And who in their right mind poses with the Jell-O lady at the fair? Yes, Bacardi... You and I.

Shower Sheri: A close cousin of Clumsy Sheri, Shower Sheri is far more important in mentioning as this Sheri happened at Cousin J's house. I went into the bathroom specifically to use the potty, only to end up half in / half out of the bathtub with huge bruises on the backside of my legs and a goose egg on my melon. I had a hard time sitting for days, thanks to you!

Dog Walker Sheri: Having a dog really did damage our relationship. Remember the night the power went out and Remi needed to go potty outside? Apparently she heard the Edison chumps outside and decided she wanted to snack on them. We were trying to get a flash light out from under the kitchen sink, Remi ran around our feet and tripped us with her leash. Once again, you helped numb the sensation of smacking my face off the side of the kitchen sink, thank you. However, I believe my clumsiness would have scored a 2 instead of a 10 that night on the Sherifalldownmeter if it wasn't for you.

That's quite the shiner. Thanks for giving it to me the night before a first date....

In conclusion, I think I hate you Bacardi. While the times that we had together were fun, you just aren't worth the boo-boos anymore. Go find some other light-weight to bully around, I'm finished with you.

Signed:

Me

P.S. ~ You taste like caca, I don't know why I ever loved you!!

**INSERT HUMONGOUS SHOUT-OUT TO COUSIN J AS THIS POST WAS HER BRAINCHILD!! XXXOOO ♥**