The time we spent together was wonderful. I have many fond (fuzzy) memories with you, but I have decided that we just aren't compatible anymore... I must end our long-term relationship.
As Summer nears, I have thought of you often. What fun we had! Yet I've come to the conclusion that you are a sneaky bastard, often stealing my memories, inhibitions and ballerina-like coordination... rendering me a babbling idiot who flirts with any Y chromosome and can't figure out how to even tie her own shoes. For shame!
Should you have any doubts about the mischief I have tolerated from you, please see below.
Exhibit A
The Sheri Ping Pong Machine: While the inebriated voice mail I left Cousin J. was the highlight of the next family gathering, I could have gotten seriously hurt, bouncing off the walls like a damn ping pong ball. And cooking zucchini that late at night was your stupid idea, not mine.
Cave woman Sheri: I was officially stripped of my dignity & class as I pummeled through a plate of pasta with my bare hands because I was unable to properly use an eating utensil like a grown woman. This happened in front of several people and in the back of my mind I can hear you snickering at me still.
Baker Sheri: There are certain things Bacardi, that you should have never been a part of. Candy making, for example. Why you thought it was okay to assist me in helping Cousin J. make peanut brittle is beyond me. And then you left me to help pick the hardened candy out of her pretty kitchen rug and off the walls. Although, you did help numb the sensation of being burned by 315 degree candy lava, so I suppose we are even.
Clumsy Sheri: One of your favorite means of mischief often left me asking for band-aids and peroxide from any kind soul. Really, pushing me down the stairs was uncalled for. And even worse yet, pushing me up the stairs! Clever though, I must admit. My knees will never be the same.
Phone Breaking Sheri: I (with your assistance) managed to plow through cell-phones as if they were free! In a matter of 6 months I had 3 cellphones. Very funny. *scowl* Shall we talk about the time you hid it in my closet and then threw up on my shoes?
Social-Butterfly Sheri: I was pretty shy before. While your intentions were good hearted, bringing me out of my shell often left me spewing apologies the next morning to complete strangers! And no one wants to have to piece their night back together by checking the text messages on their cell phone... And who in their right mind poses with the Jell-O lady at the fair? Yes, Bacardi... You and I.
Shower Sheri: A close cousin of Clumsy Sheri, Shower Sheri is far more important in mentioning as this Sheri happened at Cousin J's house. I went into the bathroom specifically to use the potty, only to end up half in / half out of the bathtub with huge bruises on the backside of my legs and a goose egg on my melon. I had a hard time sitting for days, thanks to you!
Dog Walker Sheri: Having a dog really did damage our relationship. Remember the night the power went out and Remi needed to go potty outside? Apparently she heard the Edison chumps outside and decided she wanted to snack on them. We were trying to get a flash light out from under the kitchen sink, Remi ran around our feet and tripped us with her leash. Once again, you helped numb the sensation of smacking my face off the side of the kitchen sink, thank you. However, I believe my clumsiness would have scored a 2 instead of a 10 that night on the Sherifalldownmeter if it wasn't for you.
That's quite the shiner. Thanks for giving it to me the night before a first date....
In conclusion, I think I hate you Bacardi. While the times that we had together were fun, you just aren't worth the boo-boos anymore. Go find some other light-weight to bully around, I'm finished with you.
Signed:
Me
P.S. ~ You taste like caca, I don't know why I ever loved you!!
**INSERT HUMONGOUS SHOUT-OUT TO COUSIN J AS THIS POST WAS HER BRAINCHILD!! XXXOOO ♥**
7 comments:
Thankfully Cave Woman Sherilynn was only witnessed by me, the only other person in attendance is of no importance whatsoever! This version was by far my favorite,thankfully none of the other versions were wasted on such mediocre company, they were far too grand!!
Ha
Well, that's odd. My comment was never approved, yet another person's was?
Ha.
When do we get to college...
I can so relate to this but I don't have the balls to share my stories, however I can assure you that they are equally crazy. I chalk it up to being reserved (different than shy) in my daily life and liquid courage helps me loosen up, and loose cell phones, wake up in strange places, put food in the oven then fall asleep, I could go on and on...I should be reading the oh so interesting Cindy Collins case about negligence but this is just so much more fun! xoxo jd-maybe?
...but you hadn't had anything to drink yet when you posed at the fair with the old JellO lady cutout! :( I don't deserve to be associated with such boorish behavior!
j/k.
Jeff
Hee hee hee Jeffrey. Little did you know that I had already had a cocktail before you got to my house to calm my nerves for the big first date! =)~
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