Dear Lying Boys

Dear Lying Boys,

I've reached a milestone in my dating "career" and I've decided that there's no better time then now to lay down some rules.

* Under no circumstance is it okay to lie about your marital status. Engaged = married in my book. And I have NO problem spilling the beans to your wife/fiancee/girl friend.

* If you are missing any noticeable appendages, please forewarn me. It's the polite thing to do.

* NEVER brag about how much money you make on a first date. Otherwise, I will be forced to order the most expensive items on the menu.

* Lying about your height is a no-no. If I can look you in the eyes while in flip flops, you are not 5'6". You are a semi-midget who wears garanimals from Wal-Mart.

* However thick headed you may be, please take notice of my body language. The "Deflect A Jerk" stance is as follows: Arms folded squarely across my chest, head tilted at an unflattering angle & a scowl smeared across my forehead. Trying to kiss me will only get you hurt.

* CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH SHUT. Seriously, I can't believe I have to even say that but... there it is. There's nothing more disgusting then seeing your half chewed pastrami sandwich from across the table.

* Speaking poorly of your ex's will only add you to my "Jerks to blog about" list. I don't do it, you shouldn't either.

* Answering your cell phone during dinner is rude. If you do this to me, I will be texting the following to my Cousin J & my girly friend J.G. from the rest room : I think I hate him a little bit. Help..!

* Sex is not appropriate dinner conversation. ESPECIALLY on a first date. ..rude rude rude..

* Know that I do an intrusive background investigation on each one of you. If you've been in trouble, I'm going to find it. ;) Not only am I nosy as to your behavior in the past, but I'm curious about what you may be on probation for currently.

* When there are painful lags in the conversation, please do not leave it to me to fill the gaps. Unless you want to hear about how much I love my garden, think of something to say quickly.

* DO NOT SCORE ME while on the phone (augh) during dinner with your friend. Hearing "Oh, I'd give her a 7 1/2 on looks and... uh... ::insert eye googling my boobs face here::... a 9 on personality, making her an 8 3/4" is not okay!

* Getting wasted on a first date is unacceptable behavior. Going to the bathroom to powder my nose is potentially going to end in me burning rubber on my way out of the parking lot while you nurse your 7th beer waiting for my return.

And for the love of everything holy, do NOT ask me how many dates we have to go on before you get to see me naked. >.<