Gardening Guppies

I am really confused. Quite honestly, I'm not sure how to even address the newest issue in my household. I feel betrayed.

No one told me that my new guppies have been gardening behind my back.

I opened the tank to feed the fish. I noticed something that resembeled an alfalfa sprout sticking out of the rocks in the bottom of the tank. Wha'...? There are no live plants in the tank, only plastic obvious-fake looking ones. So I thought!

After staring at this little live plant swaying happily in the fish poop water, I plucked it out.

A tomato plant. Growing. In the bottom. Of my fish tank.

The "I Didn't Do It" Bear

This idea is going to make me filthy rich. I'm already working on the patent, so don't try stealing it.

This last week, I have been a "Stay At Home Mom". I have to say, I don't know how my girlyfriends do it. (Bless your hearts Kadi & Amberly.)

During my SAHM stint, I've learned a lot about my children. The top five statements that I have heard are (in no particular order):

*I didn't do it.
* That wasn't me.
* That's not my mess.
*I picked that up already, how did it get back on the floor?
And my all time favorite...
*It was her. ::pointing to another child::

My children still believe that I have eyes on the back of my head. That I see all/know all. I can not smudge this illusion by not following through on my "Iknowthat'syourmessIsawyou! Pickitup!" bluffs.

This is where the "I Didn't Do It" Bear comes in. I'm thinking he can be a nannycam only for naughty children. :) He seems innocent enough with his ruffled fur and patches. But, ah... What may resemble a crooked princes tiara on top of his head is actually a digital video recorder. (Bear..heh heh.. with me. I know nothing about technology beyond my cell phone and television remote.)

I'm going to have bears all over my house! I will now know who snuck the fruit snacks, who missed the trash can with the PB&J sandwich, how the fish tank water managed to slosh out of the tank onto the table all by itself, and how in the world the entire box of Q-Tips ended up floating inside the toilet.

*PING! IDEA!*

Know what would be SO awesome? Being able to print out photos of my children in action! Just imagine...

Me: WHO SPILLED APPLE JUICE INSIDE THE FRIDGE!!??

Chorus of angles: Not me Mommy!

I would then be able to present the children with the evidence!! I'm giddy with the idea! Not only will I have eyes on the back of my head but now a camera also.

Time Out Feet

These are Time Out Feet. When placing a child in Time Out, one must ponder proper placement of said child to ensure complete cooperation with the Time Out Rules.

Time Out Rules

1. Child shall not be placed in front of anything entertaining such as a television.

2. Child must be placed within ear shot of the Time Out Giver.

3. Child shall not be allowed to be within arms reach of toys.

4. Child shall not be given the right to engage with other children not in Time Out.

5. Child shall be made to use the potty before the timer is started for the Time Out session.

Don't ask me for details regarding what she did, I'm still in the recovery process. It involved pumpkin seeds, coffee and the dust buster.

I am suffering from Chick-Fight-Frazzle

I have zero sisters and a whole lotta brothers. I don't understand chick fights. As a kid, I fought like a boy. We would slug it out and the last one standing won. *blink blink* I don't think that my mom even heard us half the time... She would manuever around us with the laundry basket and not even bat an eye. My dad would rub his temples and mutter things like "Good grief...".

Now that I have girls, I have been introduced to a whole new realm of sibling bickering. And I have learned that girls are nasty fighters - they spew hateful, ugly things aiming for the heart. It's almost...eh.. entertaining in a really disgusting UFC kinda way.

Here is my Sunday so far.

8:00 am : Maddie scolding Catherine about chewing with her mouth open. Catherine, to disgust Maddie even more, allowed her watermelon slobber to dribble down her face and puddle on the table. Maddie called her a piglet, Catherine called her a fat pigface.Ouch!!

8:27 am: I wanted a few moments of peace and quiet so I snuck outside with my coffee and the paper. Inside the house a chick fight smackdown ensued. I heard a loud smack and then Maddie ran out the back door crying to show me her battle wound which, actually, was pretty brutal. Catherine has tiny little hands but they pack quite a whollop! Across Maddie's back was a welt that was raised and hot to the touch. Catherine appeared at the back door with a nasty scowl on her face and a whole lotta attitude. As they each tried to explain why Maddie had the tar beaten out of her they got louder.. and louder AND L O U D E R.

I calmly set my coffee down and gave them both The Look™. If you are familiar with The Look™, it's enough to make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. One's eyes go glassy, mouth set in a straight line, teeth clenched, a hint of a scowl and one eyebrow raised to the hairline. (-_-) It means: I H A V E H A D E N O U G H.

I put my hand up ala' Moses style and closed my eyes. I then said in the most firm & calming voice I could manage, "Catherine. If you hit Madison again, I am going to allow her to hit you back and then you are going to clean her bedroom. Do you understand that?" Catherine put her hands on her hips and threw Maddie an evil glare. Maddie's turn... "Madison, if you antagonize Catherine just to get a reaction out of her, I am going to allow her to rifle through your jewelry box and pick something to wear for the day." (Maddie HATES sharing her jewelry.)

*insert satisfied mommy smile here...briefly*

Catherine, obviously only hearing one portion of my speech stuck her tongue at Maddie and shoved her saying "I'mma go get your pearl necklace to wear." Madison, having been shoved, smacked Catherine on the back. ::groan:: Catherine smacked Maddie back. Maddie smacked Catherine back.

Now, I know that I should have probably should have stepped in at this point, but I couldn't. My mouth was hanging open and I had somehow forgotten how to speak. I pointed to them both and then pointed to the house. "Inside" was all I could manage.

I heard a door slam from one of the bedrooms and little girl filth fill the air.

Madison: I hate you! You're the worst sister ever! I wish Mom never had you!
Catherine: You're a butthole! A stinky stinky butthole girl!
Madison: Butthole's a bad word, that makes you a bad girl for saying it!
Catherine: I'm notta bad girl, you are a bad girl!
Madison: I'mma tell mom you put your hand in the fish tank this morning!
Catherine: Did not, liar!
Madison: I'm not lying, you are! Liar!
Catherine: Liar!

There was some serious door slamming after this, muffled cries and "Ihatechew's" filling the air.

::slurping lukewarm coffee::

It's been a Hurricane Maddie & Tornado Catherine morning thus far. I've only made it through two pages of the paper, there's sticky watermelon juice on the kitchen floor, water on the table in front of the fish tank *scowl* and my ears are still ringing from the chick fight. I'm frazzled.

Rotten Apple

Disclaimer: This is a rant, not my normal kinda blog. I will be using comparisons that will make sense to some and not to others. If you are not knowledgeable about the content, please do not leave a comment. All that will do is irritate me more. Thank you. On with the show!


I had a very interesting day yesterday. It was my first day on a temp job through a very well known agency. For this blog, I will refer to them as "Rotten Apple".

Rotten Apple placed me with an escrow company in the area. I did a little bit of research online and discovered that said escrow company specialized in Real Estate Foreclosures. I contacted R.A. and explained to my "agent" that I have Z E R O experience with Real Estate REO's. She said that the company actually wanted an Escrow Officer but were willing to settle with an assistant. That I would be making follow-up telephone calls etc. She stated that the escrow company had my resume and knew what to expect of me. Fine.

I showed up to escrow, completely under qualified and unprepared for what lay ahead of me...

First of all, it was a clusterf**k. I have never seen such disarray and chaos in what should be a very controlled environment, in my opinion. Files everywhere. Stacks of them on the floor, on desks, spilling out of filing cabinets, papers everywhere. A folder of "homeless" checks that no one was able to place with the correct escrow. Woah. At 8:15 in the freaking morning, the phone was ringing off the hook. There were 16 lines and at several points throughout the day each and every one of them were lit up. Imagine the stock exchange only on an 'escrow high'.

So I meet with the "head honcho". She explains to me that 'the girls' are going to be giving me work, namely escrow instructions and packaging docs. She asked me if I was familiar with "Streamline", their escrow software. I told her that I was not. She seemed a bit peeved and mumbled that she asked Rotten Apple to only place her with candidates who were. Lovely.

I am placed with two girls, both escrow assistants. They are handing me new escrows and asking me to type escrow instructions concurrently. My response was "If you have a few minutes to run through Streamline with me, I can take notes and start working on them for you." They look at each other then back at me. "You aren't familiar with Streamline...?" No, I said...

They then decide to teach me how to 'package docs' (escrow instructions). Mind you, I have Z E R O experience with real estate escrow instructions, have NO clue what needs to be attached, am confused by all the freaking hands in the pot: Selling Agent, Listing Agent, Buyer, Broker, Seller (being the bank that foreclosed on the property) and Lender. I was given a brief "staple this to this but not this and sometimes this" run thru. Once the docs were stapled, I took them to my desk and took notes - what goes to who etc. Which ones to email, which ones to fax, who doesn't get copies of zone disclosures etc. At this point, my head is spinning and it's only 9:30 am.

I am then handed 11 new escrows to open. Awesome, this I can do!! I grab take sheets, some more coffee, white out and a rubber finger tip. Time to get to work... I'm digging through a fistfull of loose papers trying to make sense of it all, filling in the take sheets the best I can and asking questions as I go along. Finally, one of the girls whose brain I was picking decided to ask me what everyone else was wondering..

Her: Aren't you an escrow officer? *narrowing eyes*

Me: No, I'm not. I worked as an escrow assistant for 4 years though. This is my first experience with Real Estate, I did Personal Property Escrows. I'm a fast learner though. :D

Her: It's pretty much the same, isn't it?

Me: Actually.... no. *blink blink* Not at all. I worked with manufactured homes. (I think all she heard was 'trailers'.)

Her:Well...What CAN you do? I don't have time to train you on our software.

Me: I will do all of your filing, escrow openings and will try to filter your phone calls the best I can.

Her: Okay, call the listing agents and find out when we will get the deposits on these files. *hands me an armful of files* And ask about the vesting so you can type the escrow instructions. (Wha...?) Oh, and make sure to get ahold of title to get new prelims. (WHAT in the HELL is a PRELIM!?!) Also, make sure to record the Order #, the Escrow # and the REO # on the jacket of the file.

I nodded and took the files back to my desk.

Another girl said that she overheard the conversation and that she too thought 'escrow was escrow'.

Me: Not at all. You can escrow things besides stick built homes. I did Mfd. Home Dealer escrows, where the Dealer is the seller in the escrow... the 'seller' aka registered owner is more of a lien holder.

Her #2: They do escrows for that??

Me: *blink blink* Yes... They do escrows for those, for private party sells, even for cattle at some places. Escrow isn't just for stick built homes.

Her #2: *frown* Humph. ::turns around and continues to work::

*SIGH*

Lunch time, thank goodness.

I run to 7-11, grab two rubbery taquitos and a Diet Coke. (O_o) Yum.

I had thoughts of just spending the rest of my day in the parking lot, sitting in my hot car doing a crossword puzzle...

When I returned to my desk I had messages waiting for me from agents I had called. They were asking me questions regarding their escrows that I was completely unable to answer and had to ask if I could call them back. (Note: Agents are not nice.)

Time for me to pester the 'smart girls' in the office again.

Me: The listing agent wants to know what the difference in the fees will be if her client decides to do a 10-31 exchange.

Her: Give her the fees off the list. *buries her head back in the 6 inch thick file*

Me: Okay.

I sit at the desk. I look to my left and there is chaos. In front of me, chaos. Behind me there's a meek little thing being trained by a foul-mouthed, hot-tempered woman.

At this point in the day, I am feeling completely helpless. I am watching these girls hustle about the office, practically shoving each other out of the way at the copier (Yes, 30 girls. One copier.) and there isn't a damn thing I can do to help relieve their stress! *whimper* No one had the time to even give me the password to get INTO Streamline where I could have tinkered around, looked through the escrow documents to familiarize myself with the verbage, etc.

I spent the rest of the afternoon working on take sheets.

When I ran to my car at 5:02 pm I was fuming. Rotten Apple was fully aware of the fact that I was not familiar with Real Estate Escrows. They sent me in there blind as a bat just to have a warm body sitting in the chair. I felt like a dumbass.


First I talked to Cousin J and girly friend J.G. to get their opinions... Do I call R.A. and tell them that I am not going back to the escrow company? That I was of little use to the girls there, no one had time to train me etc? Yes, they both tell me: Call Rotten Apple.

*R I N G R I N G*

"Rotten Apple, blah blah blah. How can I help you?"

Me: I just finished the first day of my assignment and I need to talk to my agent.

RA: Okay, let me get her for you.

..insert very long wait here..

Agent: Hey, Sheri. What's up...

Me: We need to talk about my day. I left frustrated and very angry with R.A. for sending me in blind as a bat.

Agent: That's a pretty negative attitude, Sheri.

Me: Yea, I know. You were fully aware that I had zero R.E. Escrow experience, yet you told them that you were sending them an escrow officer. Number one, I was an escrow assistant, not an escrow officer. Big difference.

Agent rudely interrupts here: They had your resume, they knew what they were getting.

Me: You don't understand. Just because I worked in escrow does not mean that I am familiar with REO's - it's totally different!!

Agent: You have a bad attitude. I haven't heard back from them, I called to find out how your first day went.

Me: You haven't heard back from them because they didn't even realize I was there today! It was so busy and I felt helpless, I had no clue what was going on! Those girls are buried over there, you need to find them someone who is familiar with REO's - they don't have the time to train me.

Agent: You said you had escrow experience.

Me: *yanking hair out by the roots* I DO!! There are so many different kinds of escrows, not just real estate!!

Agent: Call me at 8:45 tomorrow morning and I will let you know if they want you to come back.

Me: mmm hmm.

::click::

Note To Those Who Know No Better: ESCROW DOES NOT EQUAL ESCROW JUST AS A PASTRY CHEF DOES NOT EQUAL A SUSHI CHEF. GET IT?

Match Closed

Yes. Again, I have attracted a married man.

I'm not sure that I understand how the penis overrides the brain, but it does. There needs to be more medical research done on this subject, I will give them his phone number as he would make a perfect patient for a "Penis Brain Syndrome" clinical trial.

About a year ago, I joined a dating site called OkCupid. It's kind of like a dating MySpace site, you take test and quizzes and they match you based off of the results. But you can also browse for matches based on location and stats.

This is how "Brstlvr" (YES, I know. I know... I know.) found me. He's 42, lives about 15 minutes from me and said he was divorced. We've been chatting by email for the last 3 months or so. A few weeks ago, I gave him my phone number. We have had numerous chats. I even asked him "You aren't married...right?" He emphatically insisted that he wasn't.

So.

Yesterday I received a call from him. I wasn't in the mood to talk so I sent him to voice mail. A few hours later, after things had calmed down and the kids were sleeping, I called him back. A woman answered. The conversation was short.

Her: Hello?

Me: ... hello...?

Her: Hello?

Me: *checking phone to make sure I called the right number*

::pause::

Me: *jaw dropping* hang up phone

A few seconds later his phone calls me back. No way in HELL I'm answering it! I wait. *ping* Voice mail.

With shaking hands, I listen.

"Hi Sheri, this is Sue... Wayne's wife. I'm not sure why you are calling his phone, but I want you to know that he's married."

I couldn't forward the message to Cousin J and girly friend JG fast enough!

I then sent the following text message to his phone:

'Married huh? Groan... Perhaps you should stay off dating sites, Wayne. Do not ever email me or call me again. In OkCupid lingo, you are dead to me - match closed.'

I wake up this morning to a missed call and a voice mail from Sue. She gave me her phone number and asked that I call her, she has a few questions for me.

My womanly duty never ends. *sigh* I am going to call her back today and then forward her a few of the emails he and I exchanged.

Thank GOODNESS I never met him in person. In fact, we were supposed to meet for coffee this week so I'm glad this happened before hand.

*slurping coffee*

I don't even know what else to say. For all the Hugh's, Jesse's and Wayne's out there... ihatechew.