I am suffering from Chick-Fight-Frazzle

I have zero sisters and a whole lotta brothers. I don't understand chick fights. As a kid, I fought like a boy. We would slug it out and the last one standing won. *blink blink* I don't think that my mom even heard us half the time... She would manuever around us with the laundry basket and not even bat an eye. My dad would rub his temples and mutter things like "Good grief...".

Now that I have girls, I have been introduced to a whole new realm of sibling bickering. And I have learned that girls are nasty fighters - they spew hateful, ugly things aiming for the heart. It's almost...eh.. entertaining in a really disgusting UFC kinda way.

Here is my Sunday so far.

8:00 am : Maddie scolding Catherine about chewing with her mouth open. Catherine, to disgust Maddie even more, allowed her watermelon slobber to dribble down her face and puddle on the table. Maddie called her a piglet, Catherine called her a fat pigface.Ouch!!

8:27 am: I wanted a few moments of peace and quiet so I snuck outside with my coffee and the paper. Inside the house a chick fight smackdown ensued. I heard a loud smack and then Maddie ran out the back door crying to show me her battle wound which, actually, was pretty brutal. Catherine has tiny little hands but they pack quite a whollop! Across Maddie's back was a welt that was raised and hot to the touch. Catherine appeared at the back door with a nasty scowl on her face and a whole lotta attitude. As they each tried to explain why Maddie had the tar beaten out of her they got louder.. and louder AND L O U D E R.

I calmly set my coffee down and gave them both The Look™. If you are familiar with The Look™, it's enough to make the hair on the back of your neck stand up. One's eyes go glassy, mouth set in a straight line, teeth clenched, a hint of a scowl and one eyebrow raised to the hairline. (-_-) It means: I H A V E H A D E N O U G H.

I put my hand up ala' Moses style and closed my eyes. I then said in the most firm & calming voice I could manage, "Catherine. If you hit Madison again, I am going to allow her to hit you back and then you are going to clean her bedroom. Do you understand that?" Catherine put her hands on her hips and threw Maddie an evil glare. Maddie's turn... "Madison, if you antagonize Catherine just to get a reaction out of her, I am going to allow her to rifle through your jewelry box and pick something to wear for the day." (Maddie HATES sharing her jewelry.)

*insert satisfied mommy smile here...briefly*

Catherine, obviously only hearing one portion of my speech stuck her tongue at Maddie and shoved her saying "I'mma go get your pearl necklace to wear." Madison, having been shoved, smacked Catherine on the back. ::groan:: Catherine smacked Maddie back. Maddie smacked Catherine back.

Now, I know that I should have probably should have stepped in at this point, but I couldn't. My mouth was hanging open and I had somehow forgotten how to speak. I pointed to them both and then pointed to the house. "Inside" was all I could manage.

I heard a door slam from one of the bedrooms and little girl filth fill the air.

Madison: I hate you! You're the worst sister ever! I wish Mom never had you!
Catherine: You're a butthole! A stinky stinky butthole girl!
Madison: Butthole's a bad word, that makes you a bad girl for saying it!
Catherine: I'm notta bad girl, you are a bad girl!
Madison: I'mma tell mom you put your hand in the fish tank this morning!
Catherine: Did not, liar!
Madison: I'm not lying, you are! Liar!
Catherine: Liar!

There was some serious door slamming after this, muffled cries and "Ihatechew's" filling the air.

::slurping lukewarm coffee::

It's been a Hurricane Maddie & Tornado Catherine morning thus far. I've only made it through two pages of the paper, there's sticky watermelon juice on the kitchen floor, water on the table in front of the fish tank *scowl* and my ears are still ringing from the chick fight. I'm frazzled.