My 4th Child

I garden. It's the nerd in me. (That and reading anything I can get my hot little hands on!) It's a passion that started at a young age and has only flourished these last 4 years or so.

Flowers are of no interest to me, really... I garden veggies. *smaken lips*

Catherine and I started the garden in mid-February. Lemon cucumbers, yellow tomatoes, early girl tomatoes, grape tomatoes & squash. MMM! We start everything from seeds which, yes, takes more time to be able to harvest but it's worth the wait.

My garden is my 4th child. I tend to it every day. Pulling weeds so they don't choke the hell out of my veggies, watering & leveling the soil . The plants start in terra cotta pots that can fit into the palm of your hand. I then transplant them to cup sized pots. From there onto gallon pots & then into the ground. Ü It's a lot of work, but totally worth it! *insert nerdy squeal here*

*boo boo face*

Sometimes being a parent is the hardest job in the world.

My 4 year old daughter has a lump on her neck the size of a marble.

I'm stressed out beyond belief.

The thought of anything being wrong with my kids makes me dizzy with grief.

Please keep us in your prayers.

♥ Sheri & Kids

I'm considering voluntary surgery!

There is a disease that is running through my place of employment and I’m getting nervous that it may be contagious.

It is known as the “Santiago Spread”. It is known by a few other names in the corporate world. (Example: Secretaries Ass).

After doing some research, I believe I have discovered the cause of the beast.

Junk Food.

Our kitchen is always stocked with the following: Cheezits, Pretzel Mix, Candy Bars, Beef Jerky *drooling*, Cup-o-Noodles, Corn-Nuts, Licorice, and a few other things I can’t even look at without gaining weight. Oh, yes. I forgot the fridge that is stocked from top to bottom with soda. *BuRp*

Perhaps my best line of defense in the war against The Spread should be having my jaw wired shut. Insurance should cover a portion of that surgery. I mean, really now, it’s got to be cheaper then gastric bypass surgery, right?!

Eesh.

Chino Is A Time Capsule

Chino, CA is like a time capsule.

Last night I dropped my girlfriend Kelly off at her parents house, which just happens to be spitting distance from the house I grew up in. I haven't driven through Chino in several years.

Getting off the 60 fwy was surreal for me. Turning North on Central Ave, East on Philadelphia, South on Benson... (Disclaimer: I am directionally retarded in the OC. In my head, the beach is W E S T, like on the map of the US. I don't understand why I have to take the 55 SOUTH to get to the beach. Mexico is South!! But anyway...in Chino, the mountains are N O R T H. Kinda hard to get lost there...) And then into my childhood stomping grounds.

I was giggling pointing at the crosswalk outside of the Chino Town Square. "Kelly! Do you remember when we tried to cross the street while they were building the Target only we couldn't comprehand why cars were turning when we had the cross-walk signal?" We were like... 10? Clearly should not have been walking across major intersections at that age, in my opinion.

One summer, Kelly's older sister Sherri had a fantastic idea!! We were having an unusual summer storm. It was muggy and rain was coming down in buckets. We covered our feet in plastic grocery bags and went tromping thru the gutters. (gross) And one time we filled up garbage cans with water and made our own "jacuzzis". (double gross) We were always up to something. I remember when Kelly's folks bought a new fridge and we got the ginormous box. Sweet... We had the coolest clubhouse ever! Until it rained.

My childhood was filled with a lot of drama which seems to have blocked out my good memories of being a kid. Divorce, moving, vicious custody battles, arguing with my parents, moving back and forth between the two homes, more divorce: All of these things made me a pretty jaded little girl. I can imagine I wasn't easy to live with. (Sorry mom, dad, elva & roy!! XXXOOO)

Meanwhile back on the ranch...

Driving through Chino with my kids asleep in the car was so hard. I wanted to wake them up! Drive them by Walnut Ave. to show them where I attended 2nd - 6th grade. Magnolia Jr. High. Chino Senior High, with the big "COWBOYS" sign still painted across the front of the gym. I wanted them to see the huge Chino Town Square and say, "I remember before any of this was here. Your uncles and I used to ride our bikes in the huge dirt piles. We would make jumps out of any debris that was left there. And now look, tons of stores and a parking lot. Some of my childhood memories are buried under there."

Summer's in Chino were spent in my dad's pool. The neighborhood kids would all come swimming as temperatures would hit the 100's (triple gross, btw) - we would swim until the sun went down, then do it all over again the next day. My dad would get home from work and see 10 kids in his pool (half which were biologically his) , 20 towels hanging over the pool gate and just grin & shake his head.

Chino holds a lot of sad memories for me. Some of which are depressing enough to have kept me away for all these years. But, the simple drive through last night made me realize something: My good memories as a child totally outweigh the bad and I need to start sharing them with my kids.

Wha' the...?

I’ve been told lately that I’m too picky when it comes to dating. GASP. (O_o) Wha’ the…? No way. I actually have very few “requirements” when it comes to a guy I am willing to date.


-Under no circumstance is it acceptable to still live at home with your parents unless you are their caregiver. If your mommy still makes you toast in the morning and does your laundry, I do not want to date you.

-“In Between Jobs” = LOSER, in my book. Being unemployed is not acceptable unless you are a Trust Baby. And I don’t date T.B.’s.

-If your ‘job’ is commission only and in sales, I do not want to date you. One quick shake of the economy and you will be living at home with your folks again. Not okay.

-Should you believe that women are only “after your wallet”, I will tell you to get over yourself. And, I will not want to date you.

-Having any time “behind bars” is not an admirable quality. I do not care if your friends find this entertaining or cool, I will think that you are an idiot and will not want to date you.

-Any use of drugs. Really, pot smoking is for teenagers not grown adults. (Not that I condone drugs in any way, but if you are an adult male who does drugs, you are a double loser in my book.)

-When dating me, the following language is unacceptable:

*Referring to me as your ‘woman’, ‘ole’ lady’, or ‘chick’ to your friends.

*Using the term “I’d Hit That”.

*"I swear she's just a friend! It's not what you think! She kissed me first!" Yea, right...

See? Not so picky, huh? ;)

Welcome to Sheriville. Population:1

Dating is foreign to me.

I have had a total of 4 serious relationships:

1. My First Baby’s Daddy
2. Psycho Martial Arts Dude
3. My ex-husband
4. The Recent Ex

History of failed relationships:

1. He cheated. He will never admit it. *tisk tisk* But, the other girl was kind enough to take me out to coffee to spill the beans. How noble of her. That lasted a few years before I finally threw in the towel. Actually, I threw the towel away.
Total Relationshit: 2 years


2. He was a tad psycho. Ok, more then a tad… His hero was George S. Patton. He did a stint in the USMC and I think he may have eaten too many testosterone filled MRE’s. We bonded by “sparring”, true story. One day at work, he was in my car digging through my glove box and had my phone bill in his grubby hands. End of that madness. (Or so I thought. 10 years later I get a birthday card from him stuffed with photos of us. Creepy.) Uhm, and this past summer he drove 2 ½ hours to stalk me. Thank god for my cousin Jenn and my girlfriend Amberly. Had Jenn not peed her pants laughing in the middle of the street and Amberly not had “stealth” moves, it would have been far more horrific.
Total Relationshit: 2 Years

3. Funny story, really. We dated for 3 months and got married. Eloped to Big Bear, we were almost 2 hours late for our own wedding. *RED ALERT* We pretty much bickered every single day. I was a naggy bitch and he was a lazy ‘teenager’. I am a morning person and he was a night owl. Night owl meaning he was going to bed when I was getting up in the morning. One time, I threw a spaghetti-O’s covered rag at him, that was the extent of the violence I displayed towards him. We still laugh about that to this day, btw. Disclaimer: No spaghetti-O’s were harmed in the random act of violence.
Total Relationshit: 7 Years

4. This relationship was the first time I actually felt “in love” (sorry other ex’s.) . It was also my first true “broken heart”. Between “his, mine & ours” there were 7 kids. 6 of them at home. He worked 6 sometimes 7 days a week which left me at home to tend to the chitlin. I was averaging 18 loads of laundry a week, and that was during the winter time. Add 6 kids swimming for the entire summertime and that doubles the laundry load. I was beat. Anyhow, something went wrong and I’m not sure what it was… It ended oddly. He just stopped talking to me, which is the worst thing ever. We became room mates. It’s been a year and I can only think he had a mid-life crisis. Or perhaps it was the fact that we were 18 years apart. Who knows? After breaking up and getting back together a few times, we have both decided that we are just better off as friends. And he’s one of my best friends (as well is my ex-husband) so whomever I date will need to respect that.
Total Relationshit: 3 years


Okay, so now I’m dating again. All my previous relationshit’s were just kinda fallen into. There really wasn’t any “courting” period. Which is why I’m having such a difficult time with the whole concept of dating. I don’t know how! AUGH.

Here have been my dates so far this last year.
**Please note that they have all been given nicknames as to not reveal their actual identities.

Webcam:
His name pretty much covers it all. We had a few dates but he was a horrible kisser and used his webcam to send me filth. He actually bit my face at one point and that was the end of it. Really, it wasn’t like a nibble. It was a bite, it hurt and I was mildly mortified. Plus, he was a man whore. Oh, gawd. And he drove a station wagon. (A Dodge Magnum with an extended rear is a STATION WAGON. I don’t care if it has a Hemi engine and is candy apple red, duh.)

Podcast:
Totally nice guy. Made me laugh a lot. We went to the OC Fair and we went ‘dutch’. He was recovering from his recent divorce and felt more comfortable calling it “hanging out” vs. “dating”. But he lived in Burbank, hardly the easy drive to “hang out”. We are still pals and have already planned to go to the fair again this Summer. Nothing romantic, but there’s a friendship nonetheless.

Scion Dude:
L O S E R. He did some sort of drugs. And he mooched off of his cousin, I heard. Like not paying his portion of the rent because it all went up his nose. We hung out a total of 2 times. The second time I overheard him asking his cousin if he could park his Scion in his garage so that it wouldn’t get repoed that night. Uhm. Loser.

Coldstone’s Dude:
Probably the nicest guy ever. Made me laugh with his impression of Carlton from Fresh Prince. Nothing romantic came from it, but... we’re still friends.

Tubesteak:
For some reason I felt compelled to shamelessly flirt with the butcher at the local grocery store. He had blue eyes.. I think..?! I don't know what it was, really. Anyhow, he seemed to be on the prowl also. One day while my cousin and I were shopping, he started hitting on HER! Dangit. She pointed her finger in my direction. So then he started his "I'm a single dad, I own my own house, wanna go out?" speech with me. I accepted. (I would end up wanting to kick my own ass for that later on.) We had dinner at his house. He talked SO poorly of his ex the entire time, it actually gave me an upset tummy. Next, we went bowling. I was pretty much disgusted with his opinion of his ex and his inability to keep his poor opinion of her to himself on a first date, I can justify what I did next.
First of all, he was manorexic. I know this because he forgot to remove the size sticker of the back of his new BAGGY jeans and it stated he had a 26 inch waist. (YUCK! Skinny guys aren't attractive to me, at all.) I let him wear it the entire time we bowled. *giggling my fanny off*
Not friends, changed my number, he has earned creep status in my book.

Drunk Text Boy:
This has got to be the best story ever, so pay me some damn attention. I was angry at the recent ex (Relationshit #4). Livid I think is a more appropriate word. Anyhow, I had deleted him from my phone and blocked his incoming calls because I couldn’t stand the thought of talking to him. (O_o) WELL, apparently I sent a horribly mean text message to the wrong person. That’s right, I texted some random guy! I received a text message the next day from DTB challenging me to a duel. Oh my. Once I realized my mistake I was grateful of two things… One, The Recent Ex didn’t receive the text message that was intended to shred his soul & manhood. And Two, I didn’t actually send that text message to a woman or a teenage boy! We went on a total of two dates. The first date, he showed up 30 minutes late and got wasted. Date number two wasn’t much more promising… He again showed up almost 30 mins late and made me drink unfiltered sake. Bitchscusting. *shudder* He works as much as The Recent Ex though so it would never ever ever work out. He was funny though and we have remained friends. (By friends meaning we text each other once a month and say “Hey, what’s up?”)

…..*insert 6 months of not dating here*….

After signing up for several online dating services, I was introduced to the town of “Creepville”. It consists of several thousand very unattractive guys ranging in ages from 18-58. I kindly tell the 18 year olds that I am old enough to be their mother and that I am not a cougar. Then I kindly tell the 58 year olds that I’m not ready to be a grandmother to their fugly grandkids, so kindly leave me be. I don’t have a lot of fans out there.

Well, one site has been somewhat promising. I have met a really awesome guy that we shall call T.T. He’s very handsome and his laugh is infectious. The hours seem to fly by as we talk and I’m completely comfortable with the flow of conversation. We’ve had two dates and I’m looking forward to the next one. Who knows if anything serious will bloom from this?! If not, that’s okay. He’s surely one that I will keep as a friend should Cupid miss his ass with the arrow.

Statue Of Limitations

I enjoy nothing more in this world then tattling on my brothers for things they did years & years ago.

Yea, I know what you are thinking. "She's 30! She's a mother herself! Why does she enjoy tattling?!" I can answer that in one simple sentence: Because I can.

Here are some recent tattling sessions:


Me: Hey dad, did I tell you what Chris did with his bb-gun when he was in 7th grade? He shot Katie and I in the butt with it. Then he and Wayne threatened to knock our blocks off if we told anyone. We each had a bruise the size of a softball on our buttcheeks for weeks!

Dad: Oh good grief. *rubbing temples*

**********************************************************************************

Me: Hey mom, remember the time there was a burn mark on the kitchen floor? Not only did Charlie set the toaster oven on fire, he set a paper plate on fire too.

Mom: I'm shocked he didn't burn the whole neighborhood down. Your brothers were pyros...

Me: Yep, I know this. Did I ever tell you about the time Trevor set fire to a pile of leaves in the back yard with a magnifying glass and it smoldered for 3 days?

Mom: Wha'...?? Ok, no more. Stop.

Me: And one time...

Mom: Sherilynn, really... Stop.

Me: *pouty face*

***********************************************************************************

Me: Hey dad. *batting eyelashes* Did I ever tell you about the time that Charlie & Lance went joyriding in the van? They got pulled over because the break light was out and the cop didn't even ask for his license. Which he didn't have, of course, because he was 13!!!

Dad: New family rule. You can't tell me anything else until the statue of limitations has run out.

Me: Awwww mannnnn!!!

Ask Your Dad!

I have a LOT of siblings, only I'm the only one with "girl parts". I have 6, 7, 8?! brothers. (Really, I stopped counting once I started my own family and my dad kept procreating.)

Last Friday after work, I picked my girls up from their dad's house. We were talking about my girlfriend Amberly who had just given birth to a sweet baby girl that afternoon. (Congrats Amber & Josh!!)

Here is the traumatic conversation I had with 8 year old Madison and 4 year old Catherine on the drive home.

Me: Guess what? Amber had her baby!

Girls: YAY! When can we see her?

Me: Well, they will be in the hospital for a few days and then Amber will need a few days to rest before we go over there...

Madison: Oh.

Catherine: *looking at Madison* Oh.

Madison: We asked my dad while we have bellybuttons.

Catherine: Yea, how come we have 'em?

Me: Well, when you were in Mommy's tummy, that's how I fed you.

Girls: Gross....

::insert little girl brainstorming here::

Me: So, what should we make for dinner?

Madison: Mommy? Uhm, how does the baby actually come out of you?

Catherine: Out of your belly button?

::insert little girl laughing here::

Me: Hmm.. No, the baby does not come out of your belly button, that's silly. So, what should we have for dinner? Corn dogs?

Madison: MOMMY. You didn't answer us. How does the baby come out of you?

Catherine: How?

Me: *deep breath* The baby comes out of your pee-pee.

Girls: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

Me: Yes.

Madison: Does it hurt?

Me: More then anything in the world. (Drama queen answer, yes. But I need to put the fear of stretch marks into them at an early age!!)

Catherine: The baby comes out of your pee-pee! The baby comes out of your pee-pee!

Madison: Oh my gosh! Like you pee out the baby...?

Me: No! Uh. It isn't like that! The baby just comes out, okay? My brain hurts from work, let's talk about something else please.

::insert long pause here::

(Side note: Long pauses are never safe. I always know they are plotting ways to give me premature gray hair and an ulcer.)

Madison: Soooo.... How do babies actually get in your tummy?

Me: ASK YOUR DAD!! (Sorry Terry!!)

Bottled Water

So... For those of you that know me well, you know I have a fear of transients. They've never done anything to me, they just seem unstable and scary. (Yea, whatever. I'm a sissy, I know.)

One night last week, I was getting off the freeway (sitting at the worlds longest red light) - tired from a long day at work crunching numbers when I noticed a man on the freeway off ramp with a sign that said "Your change could change my day. God Bless."
For some reason, it made me incredibly sad to see his sun beaten face all scruffy with the brim of his dirty baseball cap pulled far down, over his eyes.

I had the immediate thought "I have a few bucks of change in my ash tray. I should give it to him..." I hesitated to roll my window down, didn't make eye contact and he walked away from my car.

The car directly in front of me held his arm out of his car window with some dollar bills crumbled up. The homeless man accepted the bills, nodded his head towards the man and then handed him a little origami crane...

I looked in my rear view mirror (once again avoiding contact with the man) and the car behind me handed him a bag of food. Like they had just finished up at the grocery store and had put together a bag for him. He handed them an origami crane. Once again, I focused my eyes on the blasted red light that refused to change to green...!!
Finally the light changed and I was able to "escape". Sorta. I got a tight feeling in my chest and felt my eyes well with tears. It bothered me for a few days. I had the few extra bucks and I didn't help.

Tonight after work, on my way to pick up the girls from their dad's house, there was a man on the street corner. He walked towards the car in front of me, smiled a crooked smile at the driver, waved at the kid in the back seat and then walked past my car.
Once again, I averted eye contact.

I watched him in my side mirror with his sign held low against his torso. I noticed his skin was very yellow, borderline orange. His eyes looked tired and he shuffled when he walked. As he turned around and started walking towards me, I read his sign in my mirror "Kidney failure. Need dialysis. Can't work."

God.

I glanced over at my wallet knowing that it's contents need to last me the next two weeks until payday. Being a single mom is hard, yes. And this last year has been financially the hardest I have ever had. I count pennies and cut corners, it's just life right now. The crappy economy cut my pay by a third and it's been a very difficult adjustment, but I'm doing it! And, I know times will get better so I just roll with the punches. This man has it far worse then me.

The man's eyes reminded me of my dads. They twinkled. I reached over on my passengers seat and grabbed the bottle of water I was just getting ready to open. I'd be home in a half hour, I could cope.

I rolled down my window and handed him $3 and a bottle of cold water. His hands shook as he took it from me, opening the bottle of water and taking a big swig.
He said "Thank you, miss. My mouth is parched! I needed water most."

I smiled, told him he was very welcome and drove off.
I've decided to keep bottled water in my car from now on.
It's the least I can do.