Welcome to Sheriville. Population:1

Dating is foreign to me.

I have had a total of 4 serious relationships:

1. My First Baby’s Daddy
2. Psycho Martial Arts Dude
3. My ex-husband
4. The Recent Ex

History of failed relationships:

1. He cheated. He will never admit it. *tisk tisk* But, the other girl was kind enough to take me out to coffee to spill the beans. How noble of her. That lasted a few years before I finally threw in the towel. Actually, I threw the towel away.
Total Relationshit: 2 years


2. He was a tad psycho. Ok, more then a tad… His hero was George S. Patton. He did a stint in the USMC and I think he may have eaten too many testosterone filled MRE’s. We bonded by “sparring”, true story. One day at work, he was in my car digging through my glove box and had my phone bill in his grubby hands. End of that madness. (Or so I thought. 10 years later I get a birthday card from him stuffed with photos of us. Creepy.) Uhm, and this past summer he drove 2 ½ hours to stalk me. Thank god for my cousin Jenn and my girlfriend Amberly. Had Jenn not peed her pants laughing in the middle of the street and Amberly not had “stealth” moves, it would have been far more horrific.
Total Relationshit: 2 Years

3. Funny story, really. We dated for 3 months and got married. Eloped to Big Bear, we were almost 2 hours late for our own wedding. *RED ALERT* We pretty much bickered every single day. I was a naggy bitch and he was a lazy ‘teenager’. I am a morning person and he was a night owl. Night owl meaning he was going to bed when I was getting up in the morning. One time, I threw a spaghetti-O’s covered rag at him, that was the extent of the violence I displayed towards him. We still laugh about that to this day, btw. Disclaimer: No spaghetti-O’s were harmed in the random act of violence.
Total Relationshit: 7 Years

4. This relationship was the first time I actually felt “in love” (sorry other ex’s.) . It was also my first true “broken heart”. Between “his, mine & ours” there were 7 kids. 6 of them at home. He worked 6 sometimes 7 days a week which left me at home to tend to the chitlin. I was averaging 18 loads of laundry a week, and that was during the winter time. Add 6 kids swimming for the entire summertime and that doubles the laundry load. I was beat. Anyhow, something went wrong and I’m not sure what it was… It ended oddly. He just stopped talking to me, which is the worst thing ever. We became room mates. It’s been a year and I can only think he had a mid-life crisis. Or perhaps it was the fact that we were 18 years apart. Who knows? After breaking up and getting back together a few times, we have both decided that we are just better off as friends. And he’s one of my best friends (as well is my ex-husband) so whomever I date will need to respect that.
Total Relationshit: 3 years


Okay, so now I’m dating again. All my previous relationshit’s were just kinda fallen into. There really wasn’t any “courting” period. Which is why I’m having such a difficult time with the whole concept of dating. I don’t know how! AUGH.

Here have been my dates so far this last year.
**Please note that they have all been given nicknames as to not reveal their actual identities.

Webcam:
His name pretty much covers it all. We had a few dates but he was a horrible kisser and used his webcam to send me filth. He actually bit my face at one point and that was the end of it. Really, it wasn’t like a nibble. It was a bite, it hurt and I was mildly mortified. Plus, he was a man whore. Oh, gawd. And he drove a station wagon. (A Dodge Magnum with an extended rear is a STATION WAGON. I don’t care if it has a Hemi engine and is candy apple red, duh.)

Podcast:
Totally nice guy. Made me laugh a lot. We went to the OC Fair and we went ‘dutch’. He was recovering from his recent divorce and felt more comfortable calling it “hanging out” vs. “dating”. But he lived in Burbank, hardly the easy drive to “hang out”. We are still pals and have already planned to go to the fair again this Summer. Nothing romantic, but there’s a friendship nonetheless.

Scion Dude:
L O S E R. He did some sort of drugs. And he mooched off of his cousin, I heard. Like not paying his portion of the rent because it all went up his nose. We hung out a total of 2 times. The second time I overheard him asking his cousin if he could park his Scion in his garage so that it wouldn’t get repoed that night. Uhm. Loser.

Coldstone’s Dude:
Probably the nicest guy ever. Made me laugh with his impression of Carlton from Fresh Prince. Nothing romantic came from it, but... we’re still friends.

Tubesteak:
For some reason I felt compelled to shamelessly flirt with the butcher at the local grocery store. He had blue eyes.. I think..?! I don't know what it was, really. Anyhow, he seemed to be on the prowl also. One day while my cousin and I were shopping, he started hitting on HER! Dangit. She pointed her finger in my direction. So then he started his "I'm a single dad, I own my own house, wanna go out?" speech with me. I accepted. (I would end up wanting to kick my own ass for that later on.) We had dinner at his house. He talked SO poorly of his ex the entire time, it actually gave me an upset tummy. Next, we went bowling. I was pretty much disgusted with his opinion of his ex and his inability to keep his poor opinion of her to himself on a first date, I can justify what I did next.
First of all, he was manorexic. I know this because he forgot to remove the size sticker of the back of his new BAGGY jeans and it stated he had a 26 inch waist. (YUCK! Skinny guys aren't attractive to me, at all.) I let him wear it the entire time we bowled. *giggling my fanny off*
Not friends, changed my number, he has earned creep status in my book.

Drunk Text Boy:
This has got to be the best story ever, so pay me some damn attention. I was angry at the recent ex (Relationshit #4). Livid I think is a more appropriate word. Anyhow, I had deleted him from my phone and blocked his incoming calls because I couldn’t stand the thought of talking to him. (O_o) WELL, apparently I sent a horribly mean text message to the wrong person. That’s right, I texted some random guy! I received a text message the next day from DTB challenging me to a duel. Oh my. Once I realized my mistake I was grateful of two things… One, The Recent Ex didn’t receive the text message that was intended to shred his soul & manhood. And Two, I didn’t actually send that text message to a woman or a teenage boy! We went on a total of two dates. The first date, he showed up 30 minutes late and got wasted. Date number two wasn’t much more promising… He again showed up almost 30 mins late and made me drink unfiltered sake. Bitchscusting. *shudder* He works as much as The Recent Ex though so it would never ever ever work out. He was funny though and we have remained friends. (By friends meaning we text each other once a month and say “Hey, what’s up?”)

…..*insert 6 months of not dating here*….

After signing up for several online dating services, I was introduced to the town of “Creepville”. It consists of several thousand very unattractive guys ranging in ages from 18-58. I kindly tell the 18 year olds that I am old enough to be their mother and that I am not a cougar. Then I kindly tell the 58 year olds that I’m not ready to be a grandmother to their fugly grandkids, so kindly leave me be. I don’t have a lot of fans out there.

Well, one site has been somewhat promising. I have met a really awesome guy that we shall call T.T. He’s very handsome and his laugh is infectious. The hours seem to fly by as we talk and I’m completely comfortable with the flow of conversation. We’ve had two dates and I’m looking forward to the next one. Who knows if anything serious will bloom from this?! If not, that’s okay. He’s surely one that I will keep as a friend should Cupid miss his ass with the arrow.